As busy plans today got cancelled, I was a little bit excited when I realized it was Story Time at the Horicon Public Library 📚. Anxiety played with my head a little bit but I eventually convinced myself that this is exactly what River and I needed. Some him and me time. So we got all bundled up and walked to the library. Had story time, learned about Groundhog Day, made crafts, read more books together and read a story on the interactive computer. He even got a m&m cookie after story time. I was so excited to be able to set everything aside and just love on him. And then we bagged up our books to take home and set out for our walk back. Until I heard the sirens. I turned around and there it was. The Horicon EMS Ambulance. As I felt my heart sink into my chest I quickly grabbed River’s ears and put my head on top of his hat to cover the sounds of the siren. After the ambulance went past, I watched as it drove further and further away from us. And without being able to control it, A few tears started to fly out of my eyes. Wiping them away as quick as them came. It’s going on 5 years that I had to call that same ambulance to come take my sweet boy to the hospital. The ride that took him away from his house and everything he knew here on earth. It doesn’t just go away. I’m not broken if I talk about it. If I talk about him. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. I’m made whole when I talk about it. Because that’s what my life is about. The good and the bad. 5 years of being transparent about this grief- And how it still affects us. Even when we don’t realize it. Even when we can’t control it. And just like that, I heard: “Mom, do you think I can run and jump on the ice?” As River looked up at me with his hat slightly covering his eyes, Laughing a little, I said: “No, baby.” And I was back to walking home again.
